Showdown
by Vasiliki
Summary: Warnings: Violence, yaoi, angst, Kaoru involvement and 'open' ending. "Kenshin and Sanosuke have to deal with what happened during their confrontation in the yard of the Government Buildings, 7 years earlier."
1. Chapter 1

**Showdown**

By Vasiliki, Mar-Apr 2003

Warnings: Violence, yaoi (male/male) situations, angst.

-.-.-.

He stood in the yard of the Government Buildings, his white pants flapping in the wind.

'A strange twist of fate made us friends.'

He discarded his kanji-embroidered jacket, the black 'aku' a flag at his feet.

The hitokiri's eyes were slit and golden; his lethal hands steady on his reversed blade.

'I am the only one who can stop you. And I will.

Sano! No matter what stands between us, I will.'

_(Why, Kenshin, why? I've loved you. You're betraying me, you're breaking my heart. Death at your blade will be painless compared to the martyrdom of living after this. Keeping me at your side with the wordless promise of a repetition of our only tryst, of a satisfaction of the passion that is consuming me, eating me alive, bringing me a willing victim at the tip of your sword, and then discarding me like a valueless object. Why? How can I live knowing that the only time that someone spoke to me those words was a lie?)_

_(Sano. I wish you would stand back, and not fight me. Ten years I've lived wandering and defending my beliefs, my dreams of a new era. This is who I am. I won't betray my way of living for your sake. I can't. I would loath myself afterwards. Stand back, Sanosuke. Leave._

_Do not fight me. For the sake of your life._

_Do not touch me. For the sake of my sanity.)_

He was approaching. His eyes were dark like branches of winter trees and fathomless. The sakabatou was out of its sheath faster than the eye could see, dew drops flying. Sanosuke sprang and then he was upon him, his right fist gripping the blade, his blood running down its shining length.

"Sano!"

His left hand grabbed Kenshin's hakama and tore it from his shoulders. The bloody fingers grabbed Kenshin's hair, a 'snap' was heard, and the red mane poured down the slender back. The bloody palm got lost in the thick hair, while the left arm became a vine around the rurouni's waist, holding him close, bare chest against bare chest.

"Sano!!!"

Eyes full of storm, and a mouth agape, that was eating at his lips, his neck, his face. A note was rising and rising, louder and louder, noise vibrating inside his skull. His vision was red, his pulse was thundering, the world was one more bloodied nightmare.

There was no now, Kaoru, dojo; there was only the Bakumatsu, death, lamps that were cut first thing to the ground, darkness like Sano's eyes… no, not Sano's, this hungry stranger's abysmal eyes.

Ambushes, quick as lightning, dangerous like this young man's feverish skin;

blood, red like the voracious tongue that had entered his mouth;

katana, arching like his own spine, his slender hips thrown forwards, his powerful calves stretched behind him for leverage;

godspeed; death; kill; death; blades; death;

death;

**death.**

"Unnhh!"

Sweat was dripping from his temples, and his face was bent, only the scar visible through the flames of his hair, brow touching the man's shoulder. And it was not a stranger, no, now he saw, he was Sano, Sagara Sanosuke. Enemy who befriended him; friend, who betrayed him and became enemy. The traitor kissing him goodbye. What was he now, after what they'd just done? Who?

"Stay with me!"

A raucous whisper from a constricted breathless throat. Kenshin raised his head, and looked, and the dark eyes were less dangerous now, not aggressive anymore, and yet more dangerous than ever because of that. His own eyes hid behind their lids, refusing to acknowledge the vulnerability they saw, because if he didn't name it, it wouldn't gain substance, it wouldn't become more than a fleshless shadow. His own flesh was sticky, and the bare chest he leaned on sweaty.

He drew back. He put distance between their bodies. Sadness poured out of his being. His friend, traitor, enemy… lover, his mind added unexpectedly, startling him, and his violet eyes widened. He took steps backward. Sano's open face was stricken, like the summer sky when breached by a lightning. Kenshin apologized.

"Suman! This was a mistake. I… I don't want to lose you over it!"

A flash of hope in the unmoving darkness. An intake of breath. The offering of an extended hand.

"Stay with me!"

Kenshin was stricken by the repetition. This was one thing he could not do. His life was his own, he was not bound to any person and place, he was a rurouni roaming the roads of injustice to keep people from harm. And now… now he'd be doing harm to a comrade for whom he cared a lot. Yes, a compare, this was the word; a companion; a partner. He bowed his head deeply and remained silent.

Something broke in Sanosuke's heart. Something in his eyes died.

But life went on.

--------- 7 years later ---------

A fresh spring day, with the sun overhead, deep rich yellow like ripe peach flesh, Himura Kenshin was sitting on a Tokyo riverbank, breathing the flowers in the breeze. He was feeling at peace. His thoughts drifted. He had lived so many years in the same city. So many years bound in the same place. Strange, for him who once took all paths open to a man, and often the untread ones as well. Who was free to not sleep a second day under the same roof, if he so pleased. Who was held by nothing.

Ah, but what brought these thoughts? His mind was disobedient, lately. He found himself gazing at the void, Kaoru-dono caught him not to be paying attention to her words, and his steps guided him to the gambling houses during his evening promenades, where he stood in the quickly darkening twilight, listening to the sounds of laughing, cursing, fighting from inside.

Kenshin shook his head violently and he resumed watching the flowing river. But now he was unsettled. He could not find his previous peaceful state of mind. And how peaceful was it, really, if it could be shattered so easily? He averted his eyes. His mood had been spoiled.

A light rustling from behind him alerted him to an uninvited presence. The hitokiri instincts had never left him, in all his years of living in the dojo. Once a hitokiri, always a hitokiri. He shuddered. The man behind him, because that someone was a man, emanating male energy, didn't move. He could feel his eyes boring in his back. Suddenly, he was afraid to turn and see who's there. He was equally afraid that nobody will be there.

His senses had been playing weird tricks to him lately. He smelled peach blooms when he was passing by a pretty woman, saw light reflecting off the edge of a blade from the corner of his eye, heard familiar loud laughter in empty side streets, dipped his fingers in the water basin when he was washing the rough clothes (some things never change…) and touched silken skin instead, drank clear sake and tasted thick blood going down his throat. He might have been surrounded by ghosts, as far as he could tell. Therefore, he didn't want to turn around and find once more that his world was not the same with the world all others around him were living in.

'If you want me to leave, just say so.'

His head snapped upwards. His ghosts had never talked to him before now. Elusive smiles, spring laugher, angry glares, yes, but not direct speech. Was his mind taking it a step further? Would he become insane, before long?

'You don't even want to look at me, Kenshin?'

Tangible bitterness. Was this really happening? Was this a dream? The river was reflecting the sun too brightly, dizzying him. The spring sounds had become a loud cacophony in his ears. The flowery smells made him feel drunk, made him want to vomit.

'Saa na. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything else. And yet… I was. Specially when I visited the dojo and found out that you and Jou-chan never got married. Old fool me had hopes that at least part of our friendship had survived. You said that you didn't want to lose me over that mistake, Kenshin, and you never did lose me. But I lost you because of it.'

The voice was sad now, quiet, and it ended in a whisper: 'Everything we had shared disappeared, because of one terrible act of foolishness. You can be truly unforgiving, when you want to be.'

Kenshin had sprung to his feet and was turning around, just as the last word was being uttered.

'Sano!'

And sure enough, there he was. Standing under the golden sun, golden and dark himself, with his tanned skin and ebony wild hair. Rough cheeks, and his trademark white jacket nowhere in sight. Sanosuke found himself being pushed a step back, because of the power of an ex-rurouni crushing on him, and weaving strong arms around him.

'Sano. Sano! You are real, real!'

Was it relief that he felt at that moment, Kenshin holding him tightly as if nothing terrible had ever taken place between them, as someone overjoyed to see a good friend returning suddenly after years of absence? Was it wistfulness? Was it hope?

'Yes, Kenshin, I'm real. And I've been a long time away from home. It's good to see you again.'

And one of his big palms rested on Kenshin's back, while the other cupped his head. Was life starting anew for him now?

.-.-.-

Sanosuke had to learn again an old lesson, a lesson he had been taught the hard way, when Sagara-taicho was slain. Life is not fair. It never was and it'll never be. These are the rules of nature, which cannot be changed by men, for they are above them. After his initial burst, Kenshin kept on treating him the same way he had always treated him. A best friend, a companion, a member of the Kenshin-gumi. Warm friendship, strong friendship, brotherly friendship, but never anything more.

And Sano's entire being yearned for exactly that _more_. He had thought that Kenshin's presence and friendship would be enough for him, after so many years with neither, but his body seemed to believe that nothing had changed since the night of Katsuhiro's and his attack to the government buildings. The same fire, the same passion running in his veins, the same desire for everything that was Kenshin, every single thing, as if they had never separated, as if the last seven years had not existed. Even if he could have the redheaded swordsman in his bed, to do as he pleased with his body, he would not want to, because he was burning for Kenshin's soul as well.

Unfortunately, the fact that Kenshin had not married Jou-chan had seemingly nothing to do with any imaginary feelings for Sanosuke that the latter had secretly hoped existed. Kaoru was always smitten with him, probably still waiting for him to make the first move, to declare his love, to ask her to become his wife. Sanosuke could not see that happening anymore, not after Kenshin had not done anything in the seven years of Sano's absence. There was one thing, however, that he couldn't understand. If it wasn't love for Jou-chan, then why did the rurouni remain in the dojo for so long? He was a wanderer, a believer in doing good wherever he was needed, bound in no single place. That was his excuse for denying Sanosuke's offered hand and heart, on that moonless night, long ago. So, what had kept him there? _Questions that can't be answered, it's better to have not been thought of in the first place_, worried Sano, sitting on the porch, his gut wrenched in anxiety and fear.

.-.-.-


	2. Chapter 2

-.-.-.-

'Sano, what brought you back?' Kenshin asked, one day that Kaoru was still gone at her teaching in a near dojo, and the two men were sitting on the porch together. His eyes were closed, his face turned upwards, and he was feeling the sun's warmth on his skin.

Sanosuke's heart almost stopped beating. He hesitated, balanced between truth and lie. Should he put their newfound relationship at stake, mentioning again desires that Kenshin ignored steadily, or should he respect the new order of things and continue suffering in silence? He unwillingly chewed on his lip, before he realized that his long delay in answering had made Kenshin bearing eyes on him. He turned his head to Kenshin, and, surprisingly, the latter didn't avoid his gaze, as was his habit of late.

He spent some time like that, simply looking at the redhead, who finally averted his eyes.

'You don't have to answer, if you don't want to, de gozaru. I was simply curious, that's all.'

'I was also wondering, Kenshin.'

'Eh?' Questioning gaze towards him again.

'What made you stay here?' _when you refused to stay with me?_ The unspoken implication rang loudly inside Sanosuke's skull, making it ache.

Kenshin was looking at the ground before his feet, now. One leg folded beneath him, another dangling off the end of the porch. Beautiful legs, slim and white, with soft tender skin and small slender feet, better looking than any woman's Sano had ever come across. The familiar fear fell like lead in the pit of his stomach.

'I will give you an answer, if you also give me an answer, Kenshin.'

'I know, de gozaru. I was just wondering…'

'Wondering what?'

A lengthy pause, so lengthy that Sanosuke started believing that he wouldn't get an answer and almost missed the whisper that followed. 'What will happen if I admit it. aloud.'

'Admit what?' His heartbeat was loud again, his blood thumping in his ears. He strained to catch the barely audible next sentence.

'Admit it now that it's too late.'

'Admit what, Kenshin? Too late for what???'

'Sano, don't shout, please, de gozaru!' Kenshin's soft words made known to Sanosuke that he had raised his voice. He drew a deep breath and tried to reign on his feelings, hard as it was. He gritted his teeth. Was Kenshin saying what he thought he was saying, or was it the opposite? He clenched his fists, to prevent himself from jumping up and shaking the swordsman's shoulders.

'If you don't want me to shout, then you'd better give me a clear answer, Kenshin,' he said through his teeth. 'I'm tired of these games.'

And the moment he said it, he realized it was true. He was tired, too tired, after seven years, to pursue this anymore. If Kenshin didn't want him, fine. He'd accept it and leave again, for good this time. And if Kenshin wanted him, well… he wasn't sure at this point if anything good could come out of it at all, but the rush of blood through his veins at the possibility made him realize that he wouldn't be able to stand up and walk away, no matter if that would be truly the best for all parties involved.

He had spent too long a time trying to forget, trying to move on, and indeed at times he thought his life was on an entirely new path and for months at an end he wouldn't reminisce about the past. But every time that an affair ended, or a misfortune found him, or he had too much time in his hands, then his thoughts were always returning to Tokyo and the people left behind, and then the knowledge that he was not a part of their everyday plans anymore and that Kenshin was living his own life without him by his side was a knife twisting inside his heart. Until one day, he woke up from a disturbing dream that he couldn't recall, and looked around him, at the walls of his rented place, and felt his age keenly, a strong grown man now, not a teenager anymore. And he didn't know if it was nostalgia of his first youth or of his first love, or uncertainty of where he was heading, as he kept on living in a foreign country, with new friends who were pleasant enough, yet not a tenth as devoted and true as the ones he had left behind all those years ago, but the weight in his heart was too heavy for him to bear. _I will return to Japan_, the thought occurred to him._ I will visit, and if my memory is false, then I will leave again, and never go back. _So, he said 'goodbye' to his few new friends and left.

Being back in Tokyo was a joy at first, but even he could not remain drunk on the sights and smells for too long. Many things were different as well, but the familiar things were more. He had planned to hang around his old place for a couple of days, before he visited the Kamiya dojo, until he got the knack of everything again, but somebody else was living in his room and no other room was free to rent in his old street. He spent his entire morning hunting down a cheap hotel, but the too high prices for his meager money earned in China made him decide to stay at the dojo as a visitor for a while, until he saw what would happen after the spell of Tokyo had worn out.

When he saw the dojo from afar, he speeded his step. When he entered the front yard, his heart jumped and he caught himself looking around for a redheaded figure washing clothes. No small girls greeted him (they had started going to school, years ago), no Yahiko shouted his return (he had a job now and was training only in the afternoons), and Megumi and Dr Genzai didn't happen to be around. But Kaoru was. Thunderstruck in his presence, tears welled up in her eyes, after the first shock. She hugged him and gave him tea and food left from their lunch. At the beginning, she was ready to go and bring Kenshin from the river, where he was wasting a lot of his time lately, she said, but after Sanosuke's insistent hold on her sleeve, and his assuring that he'd go find Kenshin on his own, as soon as he ate and drunk and learned their news, she joined him at tea and told him all kinds of things that had taken place during his long absence. She wasn't able to hide her hurt at the unexpected question, if she and Kenshin had any children yet, or her bitterness when she informed him that he had misunderstood her relationship with Kenshin, for they had always been good friends and that was all. The leap of joy inside Sanosuke was too sudden to allow him registering his pang of pity for Kaoru.

When he thanked her for the meal and went to call Kenshin for his dinner, he didn't expect that reality would have been better than memories. Kenshin on the riverbank, his head set aflame by the rays of the setting sun, wearing hakama and gi in his preferred colors, was a thousand, a million times better than any faded memory he had of him, however precious. Maybe only the swordsman's heavy-lidded gaze, his body encased in Sanosuke's arms, on that rainy night seven years ago, could measure. He approached, none too soundlessly for Kenshin's hearing and perception standards, but the sitting form did not stir, and Sano's gut clenched at the thought that Kenshin recognized him and ignored him purposely. Had he kept a grudge, all that time? Yet, Kenshin's subsequent actions had put him at ease, filling his heart to the brim and offering him a light head.

And now, here they stood, with a long delayed confrontation right in front of them.

'Answer me, Kenshin. What kept you here? What is it that you can't admit?' Sanosuke repeated.

Kenshin flinched, and then took a deep breath and turned his face towards the taller man. His eyes were soft and his words simple. 'I stayed, because here I found a home, with people who cared about me, as much as I cared about them. Kaoru-dono needed help with the dojo, and I needed a shelter and a family. This is my home, Sano. That's why I stayed.'

Sano persisted. 'So, why didn't you marry Jou-chan?'

'You can be unrelenting too, Sanosuke, when you want to.' Kenshin's voice became cold and he averted his face.

'Look at me, Kenshin, damnit! It's a simple question. You say that you want a family. Why didn't you create one, when you had the chance? Kaoru has been pinning for you for all that time. And your refusal to acknowledge that anything else exists between you two beyond mere friendship is eating her inside.'

The swordsman turned fierce eyes to him. 'Like you, Sanosuke? Like the fact there's nothing beyond mere friendship between us is eating _you_ inside?'

'Kenshin… what… what do you…?' stumbling words fell from his mouth.

'Do you think that I'm stupid, or blind, Sanosuke? Do you think that I'm too blind to see your hungry gaze on my body at all times, even in front of Kaoru-dono? Do you think that I'm too stupid to notice your accidental brushes against me?'

'Kenshin…'

'I am neither, Sano! It's been so long a time, and you haven't changed at all!'

'Kenshin, enough!' an angry Sano leaped on his feet. 'Don't you dare accuse me or judge me! I may have been the one who started it, but you _enjoyed_ it that night! You can lie to yourself all you want, but I know what _I_ saw and felt from you, back then. If you regretted it afterwards, that doesn't change the fact that you consented and liked it, while you were at it! So, don't you dare judge me, hypocritical shit, living with a woman who's in love with you and whom you don't intend to marry, when your tastes lie elsewhere!'

'You haven't changed at all…' His voice was sad. 'Always loud-mouthed and brash.' He locked gazes with Sano. 'Always passionate. Always beautiful.'

'K…Kenshin?' The shock was too big for Sano to come up with a retort. Kenshin continued in his regretful, true voice.

'Yes, I know that what I'm doing is unethical, Sano. But I do care about Kaoru-dono and her safety and happiness. She is my only anchor in Tokyo, since… since you left. The fact I cannot give her what I know she desires from me has been torturing me every single day for all the years I've lived here. I told you I stayed here because I needed a shelter. I also stayed, because here lie my happiest memories.'

Kenshin paused. Sanosuke remained silent, so the redhead took a deep breath and continued in an even softer voice, slowly, as if the next words were coming out with difficulty.

'Tokyo has not been the same since you left. Life has been a lot kinder to me than I've been deserving these last years, but there has been a gap in my life, a hole in my heart. I hadn't felt like that since I lost Tomoe, since I mourned her in our house in the mountains, in our shared bed.' His head lowered, hair hiding his eyes. 'Since you left.'

Then, he raised his head suddenly, determined eyes locking with speechless Sanosuke's surprised ones. 'But I won't be your okama, de gozaru. That I won't.'

'Kenshin, I love you.'

Violet eyes grew huge at the words and the pain in Sano's voice. The tall man continued.

'These are not manly words, but I have to say them now. And then I'll be gone for good from your life, if you so wish. That night, I was too young and brash, as you rightly accused me of. Maybe I still am. But I'm not too young anymore, I'm mature enough to know how to control my body. I wouldn't…' hesitation in repeating the word, and then rushing out a substitution for it '…have feelings for you, if you were an okama.' Small pause. 'Or maybe I would. I don't know - if it were you, I might have stayed by your side, no matter what. But the point is that I never forgot you, Kenshin! The point is that no matter how much I value your friendship, it's not the only thing I want from you anymore.'

A creased line between the swordsman's brows caused Sanosuke to continue quickly: 'But if you think that the only thing I want from you is your body, then you're sorely mistaken! If I can only have your friendship, fine, I can live with it.' Even though just a while ago he has thinking he'd leave Japan for good, if that was the case. 'And if I could only have you in bed, I wouldn't want to. I value your companionship more than the other thing. But I won't lie to you. I do want all of you. All of you! To be only mine.'

'S…Sano…'

'Yeah, I know it's something that you can't accept, that you don't _want_ to accept. I don't have a clue as to why –if it was because of Jou-chan's happiness, I could understand it, but you're making her miserable by not marrying her, anyway, so it's not that. If it's because you don't… feel for me, then why don't you just say so, and you have my promise here and now that I won't ever bother you again, for as long as you live.' _Because I'll still visit your grave to deposit flowers._

Thus, Sano bared his heart and waited. For either Kenshin returning his desires, or himself leaving Japan for good. And judging from how things had been so far, the latter was a lot more realistic and possible than the former.


	3. Chapter 3

A pregnant silence reigned. Kenshin had bowed his head, his long red bangs hiding his face from Sano. Then, slowly, his left hand rose to touch the crossed scars.

'Whatever I choose to do, I'll bring pain,' he whispered.

Sano sighed. What had he expected? That Kenshin would pronounce his lingering love for him? Yes, if he was honest with himself, he had still hopes. This was the reason he came back. He couldn't forget. The only place on earth he had been most happy in his life. And his heart still hoped. Sano passed his hand above his eyes with a tired movement, and when he opened them again, he saw that Kenshin had raised his head and was looking at him. His eyes had always been brilliant, the most beautiful color he had ever seen on any mortal, the most beautiful shape, especially when the Battousai thirst was consuming him.

'The reason I didn't answer Kaoru's expectations was that I couldn't.'

Sano almost missed Kenshin talking, lost in memories of the hitokiri's awakening. Warm chocolate eyes widened slightly at the words. Kenshin locked his gaze to Sano's, while he continued steadily:

'I love and respect Kaoru-dono, and I want to protect her. I owe her a lot more than I could ever repay her for. My life, for one. My current peace of mind, for another. I am thankful to have lived under her roof. If I could marry her, I would.'

Sano hadn't been fast enough to school his features at the knife of pain that stabbed his stomach at Kenshin's admission. Kenshin's gaze did not weaver, nor released the younger man's.

'I love Kaoru-dono, but I'm not in love with her.'

Sano startled.

'Kaoru-dono was the only person who kept me here, after you left. But it was not Kaoru-dono's body that I have been dreaming about at nights!'

His voice ending in a whisper, Kenshin bent his head again, covering his eyes with a trembling palm. Then he took a deep breath and looked at Sano with determination.

'Kenshin…' Sano whispered, but the redhead's raised hand stopped him.

'Without your visiting, this dojo has been emptier. For years, we have been sitting on the porch, a part of my mind expecting to see you entering the yard all of a sudden, back from wherever you had been off to. For years, we have been visiting Akebeko, a part of my heart missing your loud-mouthed jokes over our dinner and sake. And sometimes, sometimes… over the years, I was opening my eyes in the dark to find myself in the yard outside the government buildings. That night…' he shuddered and continued. 'That night… _our night_, Sano, has left its indelible dark ink on the paper of my heart.' His slender palm covered his eyes again.

_Kenshin is waxing poetic_, Sano thought, but he was too shocked to speak, let along joke. He took a step towards the redhead and grabbed his wrist. Removing Kenshin's hand, he placed his knuckles under Kenshin's chin and forced his head up, softly but steadily.

'Do you wish for that night… to be repeated?' Sano asked and he wondered if his voice was betraying the painful grip he felt in his guts.

Kenshin looked him in the eye. Gods, Kenshin's eyes, always the most beautiful thing he had ever seen on anybody's face! Sanosuke tried to keep his wits about him, even as delicate-looking but strong fingers touched his cheek.

'Will you leave again?' something in Kenshin's voice sounded desperate.

'Only if you come with me. Come with me, Kenshin!'

He could not give false promises. He could not promise that he'd stay, when his entire being was screaming for him to either claim this body for his own, then and there, or disappear from Kenshin's sight and presence forever.

Kenshin scrunched his eyes shut, pain visible on his features.

'I cannot! I cannot leave Kaoru-dono! You know that, Sano, you do!'

Sano ground his teeth, his anger flaring suddenly, as he grabbed Kenshin by the shoulders and shook. 'Dammit, Kenshin, first you tell me that you've been thinking of me all those years, or of our night, at least…'

'Of you, of you…' Kenshin whispered, desperate.

'…and then you tell me that you want to continue the sort of life that you live? Jou-chan will die a virgin and alone, because she won't marry anyone else, as long as you live with her!'

'Sano!' Kenshin pleaded.

'Don't 'Sano' me! Wake up! See what you're doing, both to yourself and her! If you don't give a shit about what you did to me, at least think of her!'

Kenshin threw Sanosuke's hands off his shoulders, angrily. 'Sano, stop!' he hissed.

'Why? Don't you like having someone rubbing the truth on your face? Don't you like having somebody trying to wake up your conscience? You've grown fucking pathetic after all those years, Kenshin!'

Kenshin's eyes became two thin slits. Sanosuke extended his arms, ready to start shaking Kenshin again, but the redhead slipped under his arms and pushed forcefully, his shoulder in Sano's stomach. The air left Sano's lungs, as he stumbled backwards. The following moment, his dark eyes were throwing sparks of fury. His temper had always flared too easily.

'Do you want to come to blows, then?' he shouted. 'This is what you want?'

He lunged at the smaller man, who evaded him effortlessly, moving himself behind his opponent. But Sano had learned some things in his trips, Kenshin discovered with some surprise, for Sano turned faster than he would have ever done in the past, lunging for a second time in one flowing movement. Kenshin simply stepped out of the way, but as Sano was passing by him, Sano's arm flew out suddenly and caught him at the chest. It was Kenshin's turn to feel the air knocked out of his lungs. He growled at that, and he threw himself again at Sanosuke with the famous god-speed, shoulder first, but Sano, instead of trying to evade him or block him, came to meet him. As they collided, Sano's arms hugged Kenshin tightly, and when they fell, Kenshin found himself on top of the other man, crushed on his broad chest. Sanosuke's smoldering eyes met his and his well-known smile, his dearly-missed smile, played on his lips.

'Just where you always wanted to be, ne Kenshin?' he asked, and the former rurouni's mind wasn't clear enough to decide if this was an insult or innocent teasing.

Kenshin's blood was beating in his veins irregularly. And as he felt the hard muscles under his hands, their bodies touching everywhere, his mind became foggier and the pupils of his eyes dilated. With another growl, he dipped his fingers in Sano's black hair and pulled his head up, to claim the smirking mouth in a lip-lock.

They kissed, then. They kissed with such ferocity and passion that only lovers who have been kept apart for seven years could have found. They ate each other hungrily, sucking, and biting, and sparring with their tongues, feeding on, and gulping, each other's essence. Sano's hands grabbed Kenshin's ass and grounded him against him fiercely, an action that caused Kenshin to make noises deep in his throat and inside Sano's mouth and pull Sano's hair. Sano winced, but the hotness against his hardness made him crazy, and instead of withdrawing from their tongue-fighting, he started grounding their hips with more force, in a quickening rhythm. Sexual frustration and tension that had built up and were kept under tight control for seven years exploded in a matter of minutes, white sparks flying behind their closed eyelids, blue electric bolts shaking their entire bodies.

'Mhhhmm! Mhhhm!' Kenshin's muffled sounds of orgasm were the sweeter music Sano has heard in his entire life, even while he was tasting his own blood, from where Kenshin was biting his lip.

They broke their mouths apart, both panting roughly, tremors still coursing through their muscles. Kenshin had collapsed on top of Sano, who was hugging him tightly, his big strong arms around Kenshin's firm back and slender waist, as if he had the intention to never let go, never again, for as long as he was alive.

'Kenshin, Kenshin!' he gasped. And he was happy, and he was lost, and he was holding on to the other man for dear life.

.

[Author's note: If you prefer a SanoKen ending and not an open ending, please consider this the final chapter and stop reading here. If you don't mind either way, you may continue to the final chapter.]


	4. Chapter 4

They removed some clothes to make themselves more comfortable. The happiness of the afterglow. Smiles and slow strokes and spare tender kisses. But Sano had to ask. Had to ask and make the half-naked body by him stiffen.

'What will you do?'

And now they were sad, Kenshin's beautiful eyes that were looking at him. They were pained and wistful.

'Sano.'

The invocation of his name was quiet and warm, breaking a man's soul with what that voice carried. Names hold power and one can be bound to the caller of his true name. Sagara Sanosuke was bound forever to Sagara-taichou through name and memory. Sagara Sanosuke had tried to break his bonds with Himura Kenshin by leaving his homeland and his life behind, but he had to carry his soul with him, wherever he went, so he could never be freed of his heart's true desire.

'Chikusho!' he swore, angry, trying to stop the tears springing already from the corners of his eyes.

Kenshin's hand, strong and tender, cupped his left cheek and his thumb brushed the droplets.

'Doesn't this', Sano made a swiping move with his hand to include their bodies lying side by side, 'mean anything to you, then?'

Slender fingers clawed the air above Sano's cheek, the white hand spasming. Kenshin squeezed his eyes shut and averted his face forcefully. A slap would have had the same result on him. He was in agony. But Sano had no mercy left, only desperation.

'How can you do it?' he shook Kenshin. 'How can you live like that? You have no pride left? No remorse for Jou-chan, if not for me?'

'Stop, Sano!' Kenshin pleaded, his face a mask of suffering.

'I won't stop, damnit! Omae yarou ka?' the explosion happened. 'Why are you doing this to yourself? WHY? Why are you doing this to all of us? Your twisted sense of honor has three people living miserable! Or are YOU the only one among us satisfied with the situation? The only one who prefers it that way? I see now… It's not an obligation towards Kaoru that is holding you here! It's the convenience of having a corner on the Earth to call home, and keeping the people who care for you, who LOVE you, Kenshin, unable to get you out of their head, either you're present or not.'

Kenshin sat, his head among his bend knees, his fingers digging in his scull, his palms over his ears.

'Stop, stop!' he yelled, the ropy muscles in his arms straining.

'Tell me the truth, then! WHY do you keep doing this to me? To us? To all three of us?'

'Stop it, now!' an authoritative voice, that rarely sounded so, halted Sano, who gasped at the sight of the newcomer.

Kenshin's head rose and his eyes became huge with terror. 'K… Kaoru-dono!' He grabbed his gi and put it on very quickly, although his fingers trembled while tying the sash. 'Kaoru-dono, you should have waited at home.'

The woman sighed. 'I'm not as naïve as I used to be, Kenshin. I'm growing older with each passing year, if you haven't noticed. The older woman in town that is still without a husband.'

'Kaoru-dono…' Kenshin whispered.

'You were late for dinner, so I came to call you. With each step, I was growing afraid of what I'd find. And as I see, my suspicions were justified.' She sighed again, exhausted. 'This cannot go on.' She stayed silent, looking at the earth in front of her feet, without seeing it, deep in tired thought.

'Kenshin', she said after a while. 'Will you marry me this summer?'

Kenshin's eyes grew huge as saucepans, while a gasp escaped Sanosuke.

'Kaoru-dono!'

Kaoru raised her head and looked at the former rurouni, not once acknowledging Sanosuke, who was sitting on the ground, fully dressed.

'Everyone in the town thinks that we live as a married couple. Only Tae believes me, when I insist that you would never visit me in my room, without us being married. But seven years are too long, Kenshin. Too long even for me.'

She directed a fleeting glance at Sano. 'I don't care what you have done in your past, Kenshin. I never did. You know that for me it has always been enough that you stayed with me and came back to me. But I want children, Kenshin. I want to live in the Kamiya dojo with my children running in the yard and instruct them in the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, as I did Yahiko.' She looked at speechless Kenshin hopefully. 'I want them to be _our_ children, Kenshin. Otherwise,' she shut her eyes tightly for a moment, and when she re-opened them, she looked very decisive, as decisive as she hadn't looked for years, 'I'll have to ask you to not return to the dojo, because I will have to marry… someone else.' And her face was full of pain, as she spoke the words loudly, her breath burning her lungs, constricting around her breaking heart.

'Hey, Jou-chan', Sanosuke spoke unexpectedly. 'If this is about me, don't sweat it, because I'm leaving tonight, and you won't see me anywhere near your parts again.'

'This is about me and Kenshin, Sanosuke', Kaoru answered, her eyes never leaving Kenshin, watching him flinching at Sano's words.

'Kaoru-dono', Kenshin whispered. 'What brought this now?' His eyes were pleading.

'Seven years of bitter waiting.'

Kaoru tried to keep her voice steady, her entire being wanting to throw herself on Kenshin and hug him and make him see her as a woman at last. 'You don't have to answer me now, Kenshin. You can think about it for a few hours, and give me your answer tonight. But you won't enter my home like that,' she pointed at his soiled clothes, and she left.

Both men looked at her retreating back. Sanosuke sighed. Kenshin was white, like one of the sheets he washed week after week.

'Well, I'd better leave too. It'll take me some time to find somewhere cheap to bank tonight,' Sano said, getting up and dusting his pants off.

Kenshin hung his head, only his small mouth and chin visible. 'Sano, you know that you're close to my heart,' he said.

Sano dismissed him. 'And you also love Jou-chan, but you're not in love with her. Yeah, yeah, you told me already. Good luck with your decisions, Kenshin. The outcome doesn't concern me either way.'

Sano left, and Kenshin let him leave, because he knew he had no right to ask him to stay, after he had refused his friend's plea to leave with him. He remained standing next to the flowing river, deaf and blind, unmoving until the sun started touching the low horizon. His soul was a turbulence of emotions and memories, torn between his peaceful present and the lost happiness of his past.

As the sun set and darkness started spreading, Kenshin's eyes cleared and took in his surroundings. He nodded to himself, and taking off his clothes, entered the river.

---fin---


	5. Author's note

Author's note concerning the ending:

Because a reader mentioned it, rest assured Kenshin is entering the river to wash, not drown himself.

The ending is 'open', i.e. Kenshin isn't shown making a decision either way. The problem of Kenshin in this fic is that he **is **indeed in love with Sanosuke, but he cannot abandon Kaoru, so he truly feels he cannot make a decision. Yet, by avoiding to make a decision, he's inadvertently causing others make their own decisions. (Sanosuke does leave at the end)

If the effect others' decisions have on Kenshin can force him to make his own decision, this is left for the reader to decide! ;)


End file.
